I’ve thought a lot about what it must have been like for others, especially my family and close friends to watch me throughout my eating disorder.  I remember one day in the kitchen and my mom had made a great meal and I didn’t eat a bit of it.  I think she was just at her breaking point because she yelled, “Just eat it!!”  I started to cry because I just couldn’t, it was as simple as that,  I couldn’t.

I also remember my mom got me these chocolate calcium pills and my mom begged and begged me to have one and again, I couldn’t.  Then one day I had to go to work and my sister asked if I was going to eat lunch before I left and I said yes, and I went to the fridge, got some cauliflower and left.  That was my lunch.  It is so crazy for me to remember those times.  I was a different person.

Being someone on the outside looking in to someone with an eating disorder is probably the most frustrating thing ever.  Oh course all you want to say is, JUST EAT!!!..  But unfortunately, those words aren’t going to help.  It goes much deeper than simply eating.  I think awareness is key.  If you know someone who is suffering with an eating disorder I recommend family counseling so that you can all know how to help.  Also, I’d say that you can say and do all the perfect things,  but until someone decides for themselves that they want to get better, nothing will change.  It’s a very personal thing that unfortunately you have to figure it out on your own. But I will say there are things that you can do that will help support that person so you’re not a trigger for them.  Next week I will be doing a post on what specifically you can do to help…  Stay tuned…

Skirt: Charlotte Russe, T- Thistles boutique, Shoes: So old I don’t remember, Necklace: Nordstrom

This concept of fat not being a feeling was a very hard one for me to grasp.  I remember almost every time I would go into my therapist Faune’s office, I would say “I feel fat” over and over again.  I remember writing it in my journal over and over.  Healthy right??  I was in no way “fat” but it seemed to be the only accurate term I could use.

Looking back, I realize I wasn’t feeling fat, I was feeling out of control in my life.  It was a hard lesson for me to learn that there are a lot of things that we can’t control in our lives.  I’d say being in your teens and early twenties is a hard “out of control” place to be.  There are so many unknowns and you’re trying to figure out yourself and the world around you.

As I’ve said before, I believe eating disorders are not about the food, for me at least, it was about not wanting to deal with my uncomfortable emotions, whether it was anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc… I didn’t want to deal, and quite honestly, felt like I couldn’t deal.  So I’d restrict.  It somehow made me feel in control, but looking back I wasn’t in control and I wasn’t learning how to healthfully deal with my feelings.

Something I really want to teach my children is how to deal and cope with difficult emotions.  We are humans and being human means that we are going to have difficult emotions and things we go through that aren’t pleasant.  Coping skills are something we need to have.  Being able to cope without turning to an eating disorder or any other unhealthy addiction is something that I’ve worked very hard for.

The other day I caught myself thinking to myself, “I feel fat” and I had to stop myself and remind myself that fat is not a feeling.  I thought about it and dug a little deeper and realized that I was overwhelmed and feeling like I had no time for myself to do the things I want to do.  So what did I do to cope with this emotion?  I didn’t restrict, which is how I used to deal with a negative emotion, instead I took a day off work.  For no other reason than to honor how I was feeling and realizing that it’s okay to take time for myself.

]]> http://highheelsandbubblegum.com/2012/05/16/hungry-for-change-fat-is-not-a-feeling/feed/ 3 http://highheelsandbubblegum.com/2012/05/15/day-15-hungry-for-change/ http://highheelsandbubblegum.com/2012/05/15/day-15-hungry-for-change/#comments Tue, 15 May 2012 17:00:15 +0000 Katie Redd http://highheelsandbubblegum.com/?p=2572

Today the challenge is to write a young you a letter. I didn’t have any disordered eating until I was 17, so I’m going to write a letter to the 17 year old me. Admittedly this is a little awkward for me, but I do have a lot I would say to the young, naive, immature 17 year old me.

The first thing I would say is that you are okay. You are great how you are and you don’t need to change anything about yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. Just have fun and enjoy your youth. LIfe is too short to get caught up in an eating disorder. If you are feeling like you are being influenced by an eating disorder, get help quick, and don’t let it take hold of you.

Enjoy being with your friends and don’t sweat the small stuff, it will all be over before you know it.  Don’t worry too much about the future, everything will work out for your best good.  You may have some tough times, but in the end everything will be as it should be.

I have wanted to do this for a while now and am finally getting the guts to do it.  I would love to help people with all their style needs.  Whether it’s going out shopping for some new things or going through what you already have and coming up with new looks. I am here to help you and I am so excited about it!  I am a bargain shopper and will definitely be able to find great deals for you! I’ve gone to people houses to help them pick out outfits for family pictures and I’ve also done some personal shopping for people out of Utah, just send me your sizes and what things you are looking for and I’ll have them shipped right to your house!  For more information just click on the “Hire Me” icon on my header.

Shirt: JCrew, Skirt: TopShop, Heels: Heels, Bag: Urban Outfitters, Bracelet: Debenhams, Earrings: Aldo, Necklace: Sweet Caroline

1. Faune- it takes a while to find a therapist that you really connect with. When I met Faune we had an instant connection.   She understood me and it’s like she knew what I was feeling before I even did.  I would so look forward to our visits and always felt so much better afterwards.  She helped me understand that having an eating disorder is not about the food, it’s about not being able to cope with your emotions.

2. My sister Natalie- Natalie has just naturally understood what to say and what not to say to me about my eating disorder.  A big trigger for me was when people would comment on my looks, even if they were just being nice, it caused me anxiety when people would comment on my appearance. Natalie somehow knew not to do that. She also is a great example of being a ” normal” eater. She doesn’t restrict but still makes healthy choices.

3. My sister in law Nikki- Nikki has also been a great role model of non eating disordered behavior. She helped me a lot with talking about my feelings and to not just bottle everything up.  She a great example of talking and communicating and honoring all your emotions.

5 Words that Describe my Eating Disorder.

1.  Lonely- My eating disorder really isolated me from other people.  I couldn’t be around my friends or family very much because let’s face it, food is a huge part of life and when you’re around other people it usually involves food.  Well, I had a very limited list of foods I would allow myself to eat, so I’d usually just try to avoid people at all costs.  I also didn’t like to eat in front of others, so I’d have to eat by myself.  I also would get the feeling that people would feel a little uncomfortable around me because I wouldn’t eat.

2.  Depressing- I remember being really depressed during the times when I was restricting.  It’s depressing to know that you’re going to basically be starving all day.  It’s also been researched that if your brain is lacking adequate nutrition then you’re much more susceptible to depression.

3. Consuming- When you are entrenched in an eating disorder it consumes your life.  It can start out as a little voice and soon becomes the only voice you hear.  Your common sense goes out the door and you believe all the lies the eating disorder tells you.  I remember one of the lies I fully believed was that I couldn’t mix proteins with carbs.  Looking back that sounds so ridiculous to me, but then it was truth.  The sad part is, I look back at those times in my life and all I can really remember was the eating disorder.

4.  Deadly:  This disorder almost took my life.  That was it’s goal.  If I would have kept listening to that voice, I would have died.

5.  Prison:  When you are entrenched in an eating disorder you have such a heavy burden on your back every single day.  You are never free of it.  I remember praying that I could have a new brain because I was so sick of thinking about food.  I was always worried about what I was or wasn’t going to eat.

5 Words that Describe My Recovery

1.  Freeing:  It’s so freeing to wake up in the morning and not have the eating disorder voice talking to you loud and consistently.  To give yourself the freedom to not be “perfect”.  To be able to eat something and not agonize about what it’s going to do to your body.

2.  Happy:  I am so much happier now that I’m not engaging in my eating disorder behaviors.  I never thought I could be happy again being a bigger size and having a higher number on the scale, and yes it took a lot of therapy and getting used to the idea, but I can finally say I am at peace with my body, the imperfections and all.

3.  Imperfect:  My starting goal was to become “perfect”, how naive I was!  I thought I could be perfect if I had enough discipline and will power.  But now I embrace my imperfections and realize that it is what makes me me!  When I sit down, I now have a nice little roll, and you know what??  That’s okay!  And another thing, I have cellulite on my thighs!  And that’s okay!  It’s crazy that I am able to say that, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s perfectly okay.  Do I just love my body?  No, but throughout my recovery I have had to reteach myself what it means to have a healthy body.

4.  Relationships:  Now that I am recovered I am able to let people fully in my life.  Especially with Nick, there are no secrets, and I think a lot of eating disorder behavior is about secrets.  I’m also able to give a lot more because I’m not so focused on the eating disorder.  Also, just as I said before, I think people feel more comfortable around me now that I am able to eat.

5.  Growing:  I remember my therapist saying that when you rely on your eating disorder as your main coping mechanism you don’t grow emotionally.  I totally think that is true and that I was quite immature in my early 20′s.  When I felt pain or discomfort or anxiety my coping mechanism was to restrict.  Now, looking back I can see I wasn’t growing or maturing because I wasn’t using healthier forms of coping with problems.

Anyway, I don’t have a lot of time today, but there’s my 2 cents…

This picture speaks to me of my recovery from an eating disorder because of the circumstance behind it. This was about 1 month before I was hospitalized. I went to California to spend time with my brother and sister in law. This was the first time that I had to acknowledge that I had an eating disorder. I remember my sister in law Nikki took me to the grocery store so I could pick out some things I would eat and I honestly couldn’t decide on 1 thing that I wanted to or could eat. It was almost embarrassing, that I couldn’t choose 1 thing.

That trip made me finally start talking about how I was feeling inside. I realized it’s so not about the food, it’s about what you’re feeling or trying not to feel.  I looked happy on the outside, but on the inside I was really hurting and trying not to feel my emotions. After this trip I realized I couldn’t get better on my own, that I needed some real help.

Thankfully, I had a great support system of people that wanted to help me and talk to me about what was going on.  I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with during this time, but they continued to show their love and I will forever be grateful for that.